Roshi vs IMP
by VerdeSaiyan
Summary: The Immediate Murder Professionals meet their match in an elderly man with sunglasses. (ft. Devil Artemis' version of Master Roshi.)
1. Close Call on Kame Island

**Humorous little idea that popped into my mind last night. **

**If you've ever seen the works of Devil Artemis on YouTube, you'll know he does Dragon Ball and anime themed parody videos with SFM. **

**In his fanfiction universe, Master Roshi is some kind of crazed maniac. I was thinking what would happen if the I.M.P. from Vivziepop's series Helluva Boss was contracted to kill him. If you're interested, I would advise following Devil Artemis, his stuffs funny as all get out.**

**And as always support the creators of the official media. **

**Warning. The following short story contains: profanity, violence, adult themes, demons, and one crazy ass old man. Reader discretion is advised. **

In the dark and unpleasant pit that was known to all as Hell, a single imp walked back and forth in his office, grimacing at the lack of work they'd done.

His skin was the usual blood red, as was the norm for his species of demon, with white splotches here and there, and wore a fancy business suit.

"Our business just seems to be sinking deeper and deeper...So far besides that one kid we bumped off, we haven't gotten any hits…" Blitzo(The O is silent) lamented, slumping over in his chair before his three coworkers.

On his left side, the resident married couple, also imps, were also concerned. The husband, Moxxie, a baby-faced imp with white hair and sideburns, wearing what looked like conductor's garb, usually didn't like agreeing with his boss, but he himself raised the point the other day. His wife, Millie, a well-curved imp with a soft expression and short raven hair wearing a tube top and black leather pants frowned, a hand on Moxxie's leg as she looked concerned at Blitzo.

The Immediate Murder Professionals were in a financial bind due to a low budget, and office arguments. Largely due to the disagreements between Moxxie and Blitzo. As well as the latter's receptionist, Loona, an anthropomorphic hellhound, with a wolf-like appearance, who was easily distracted, lazy, and quick to anger, often having verbal spats with everyone there. She was also Blitzo's adopted daughter. The canine casually sat around in her chair across from the couple, claws tapping away on her phone absentmindedly.

"Well...that political assassination went over well." Millie raised the point.

"Of course it did, Millie. We have your husband to thank for providing the right weapon and ammo for the job." Blitzo said with a smirk, cracking his knuckles.

Moxxie's eyes darted back and forth around the room. Their boss was quick to berate and poke fun at him, largely due to his own meekness, and Blitzo's personality, which bordered on childish. Compliments were extremely rare.

"Well, I DID have that spare rifle laying around and collecting dus-"

"But you almost FUCKED IT OVER by taking the shot from the crowd!" Blitzo snarled, jerking his hands over his head and lowering them in his direction. "If Millie and I didn't have the return portal already open under that manhole cover, our cover would've been blown! You ALWAYS have to remember to keep it low profile, preferably from high ground. Not to mention taking countersnipers into account. It's a good thing we had Loony here serving as a "**COUNTER**-countersniper", right sweetums?" He asked, stroking his "daughter's" cheek. Loona grimaced, baring her fangs annoyedly.

"I told you before, Blitz, I'm not good with guns." The hellhound groaned. "My specialty is my claws, and fangs. If worthless over there was in a countersniper's sights, he'd have been picked off and sent tumbling back down here."

"If I've told you once, I've told you a hundred times." Milie frowned at her, speaking in an archetypal Southern Belle accent that belied her true ferocity. "Don't. Talk. About my Moxx that way." Moxxie smiled to her, and she reciprocated by blowing a kiss.

"You want 'im, he's all yours." Loona sighed, going back to texting one of her friends.

"Look, the point is, we've got to find some way to drum up more business." Blitzo added, hoping to break things up. "How's our celebrity endorsement coming?"

"Who, Angel Dust?" Loona asked. "You know he's strictly on Valentino's payroll."

The curved-horned imp scratched his chin and crossed his arms. Overlords were...well...hell to negotiate with. Especially one in the pimping industry. Valentino seemed to be excessively possessive of the effeminate spider demon. After all, Angel Dust was Hell's number one porn star. With that kind of talent working for him, why would Valentino rent him out to another business?

Almost as if on cue, Loona got a message. "Woah...Guys, I just got a hit!"

"A contract? That quickly?" Blitzo raised his brow.

"That's right. And it's from Pheroma." The canine vixen flipped her smartphone around to display the image of a blue-skinned reptilianne woman with bright pink eyes and long aqua blue hair.

"'Her?'" Moxxie asked. "Doesn't she work at Porn Studios too?"

"Moxxie, how do you know about her?" Millie shot her husband a dirty look. Unlike most demons, who committed adultery by general practice, these two were in a totally committed and happy marriage.

"Oh, lay off of him. Pheroma is like the third biggest porn star on Valentino's pay roll. She's almost like a household name." Blitzo said, almost thanking Satan(In this universe, Satan and Lucifer are entirely different entities.) that they were getting a job from such a widely known "actress." If he genuinely believed in him. While Lucifer was seen as the King of all hell, Satan was virtually viewed as a myth. Most demons didn't believe he even existed. "Who does she want HSSSSHK'd?" He made a slicing gesture across his throat with his thumb.

"Hmm...looks like she wants us to kill someone she knew when she was alive. A guy that killed her."

"Didn't she die about two-hundred years ago?" Millie asked. Besides imps, and most overlords, the majority of demons were dead human sinners, Pheroma being one of them. "What's the average human life-span again?"

"Shit if I know." Blitzo shrugged. "What...Eight years? Ten years?"

"Anywhere from their sixties to their seventies." Loona replied, "with more and more of 'em living even longer.

"And wow does this guy look old." She pulled up another image, and the three of them peered over to look at the pic.

It was an elderly man with a hunched-looking back, wearing an orange outfit, with white bathing shorts, and fancy dark green sunglasses, carrying an old wooden walking stick.

"Muten...Roshi?" Moxxie read aloud. "That name sounds familiar."

Blitzo immediately started shivering. "Th...The guy...fought...in the Coochie Wars!? The guy that killed over six-hundred hookers in ONE. DAY!?"

The other two imps and the hellhound eyeballed him oddly.

"The what?" Loona asked.

Their boss slunked down in his chair. "Master Roshi was involved in some kind of prostitute purge on Earth a really long time ago. Not THAT long. Crazy guy thinks he knew Jesus. He's thoroughly insane, but he's lived for hundreds of years...And he's got dangerous powers beyond a normal human."

"Ohh come on, Blitz, how bad could he be? He looks like he could be some kid's grandpa." Millie asked sweetly.

"Well, like I said, he brutally murdered more than six-hundred human beings under the pretense of an imaginary war, even killing a few of them with a sandal. A FUCKING. Sandal!"

"Umm...remember when _**I**_ killed a few of our targets with a piece of PAPER?" The raven-haired imp beauty smirked with her tongue out.

"Did you ever blow up a moon?" Blitzo retorted flatly, making everyone, even Loona who was usually indifferent, take a scoot back in their seats. "Well...I don't like the thought of doing this one, but we have to. A job is a job, and we can't lose our credibility. Besides. We're a capable group, right?"

"When Loona is actually HELPING." Moxxie frowned.

"I've done my share of hits, you ass-eating-" Loona growled, only for Blitzo to restrain her and Millie to slam her fists on the table.

"People, people! Remember, a company can't succeed if every cog in the wheel isn't in tip-top shape!" Blitzo began, trying to diffuse the situation. "Much like how a family is dysfunctional when we're all at each other's throats!"

"For the last time-" Moxxie said before being interrupted.

"'We're not a family,' I know!" He groaned. "But I just want everyone to be at their best, and to get along! You think I want to lose any of you because of that? Then it'd just be me and Loona by our lonesome?"

The rest of them went silent, Moxxie and Loona feeling a little guilty.

"Sorry, sir." The two of them said in unison.

"Good. Now hug and make up."

"H-What!?" The imp and the hellhound bolted up out of their seats.

"You heard me. Hug. And. Make. Up." Blitzo reiterated. "It'll be good to build trust. I'll go set the portal up." He got out of his seat and walked over to the ritual room.

"You heard 'im, Moxxie." Millie said playfully, folding her arms. Her husband stammered, but groaned.

"Fiiiiine." He conceded, walking closer to Loona.

"You'd better not try anything, y'piece of-" The white-haired wolf spat.

"I wouldn't. I'm married, remember?" Moxxie said before the two wrapped their arms around each other in a bit of an awkward hug, with his arms around her waist, and Loona's around his head.

"Aww…" Millie fawned, taking a picture with an old Polaroid camera.

When she was sure Blitzo was out of earshot, Loona shoved him back. "All right, hands off."

Millie walked up to take Moxxie's hand. The male was annoyed at Loona's continued disrespect, but he eased up as his wife planted a kiss on his cheek. They went to join the others for the jump up to Earth.

0

Moxxie was the first to arrive in the living world. He'd been sent to check if they had gotten the right place. "Coast is clear!" He said aloud.

Blitzo hopped up after him. "Yell a little louder, won't you?" He said sarcastically before the both of them knelt down to help the ladies up as the portal closed.

Loona cast a glance at a nearby shelf to see it covered with dirty magazines. She scoffed. "Looks like the old man's a hypocrite."

Millie brandished a trident with razor-edged points, so as to have it double as a slicing weapon. She would take great pleasure in killing a pervert.

Their boss strolled over to the window, making it clearer that they were on the second story of a house in the middle of an island. "Looks like the old man's still in the game." He made note of the half-buried body of some guy wearing a blue bodysuit with some kind of fancy space-age armor over his torso, and having a widow's peak to end all widow's peaks. "Remember, everyone. Teamwork. Now this guy is dangerous, so we might wanna try doing the deed in his sleep."

"Aww…" Millie was rather displeased. "I wanna put him down when he's awake!"

"Well considering if we DIE in the living world, we're dead for GOOD-" Blitzo continued. "We need to take safety and efficiency into consideration. This isn't Papa Gepetto we're dealing with."

They heard what sounded like a door slam, making the four of their spines tingle.

"He's here-!" Moxxie mouthed silently.

Blitzo took a rope from his waist and held it taut as Moxxie took a sawed-off shotgun out of the makeshift holster on his back. Loona merely put her phone away and stretched, ready to shred Roshi if necessary.

"And so I says to him to give me all the money in MY account." Roshi's haggard old voice called from the lower floor. "Then he has the gall to try and negotiate with me! If I could be negotiated with, my precious turtle would still be alive today, and maybe I wouldn't be so bad off."

The three demons and the hellhound cautiously looked from the stairwell, watching him from a distance as Roshi yammered on and on to himself.

"But that's not the kind of girl I am. Now where's those damn slippers?"

Not wanting to risk a confrontation, Blitzo and the others cautioned them to return to the upstairs room they were just in, and closed the door behind him.

"This complicates things." Blitzo whispered.

"I say we just jump him when he's not prepared." Loona suggested. "After all, he's an old man. Even if he did do all the things you say he did, he's still just that. He can't react quick enough to stop us."

Her "father" fumbled the idea over in his head. To have someone with star power like Pheroma in their clientele would definitely be a boost, so he didn't want to disappoint.

The sound of footfalls on the stairs made him cringe. "HIDE!" He squealed. The lot of them ducked for cover, safe for Loona who rolled her eyes.

Roshi burst into the room, scanning the area silently. His eyes, obscured by the black pools of his sunglasses.

Moxxie was trying to look as rigid as possible, his arms and legs tucked up against his chest and a radio-clock sat on top of his head, doing his best impersonation of a small dresser. Beads of sweat pooled up on his neck. '_This is never going to work…_' He breathed a silent sigh of relief as Roshi walked past him.

Millie was a little less conspicuous, but not by much, having a lampshade over her head and standing tall against the wall. She was sure of failure too, but thankfully he ignored her too, safe for pulling on the lamp cord inside the shade. Her eyes shone through her "mask," but he must've just mistaken them for a bulb.

Blitzo's heart nearly stopped as Roshi opened the closet door, but allowed himself a toothy smile as he closed him back inside, the elder having not even seen him, buried under piles of old clothes.

"Damn...no slippers anywhere." The elderly martial artist cursed. "I guess I'll have to skin another seal."

Moxxie and Millie both gave a mutual cry of disgust in their heads. Sure they were demons, but they didn't care for animal cruelty.

Roshi was about to leave, when he stopped in his tracks. "I sense something...A presence I've not felt since…"

All three of the imps felt their skin crawl as he turned back around and looked directly at Loona, who was just sitting around in plain sight on all fours like an ordinary dog.

"Shit...Shit...Shitty-shit!" Blitzo cursed quietly as he watched through the blinds as Roshi approached the hellhound, who was doing her best to keep still and quiet.

He laid his cane down on the ground, before taking Loona by the cheeks and eyeballing her. She growled to herself inside, but allowed him to touch, so long as he didn't do anything. He pulled down on one of her eyelids, before he took hold of her muzzle and glanced at her teeth, which were much sharper, and more built for tearing and cutting than any earth canine.

Then she scowled as Roshi went behind her and felt up her tail, which was abounding with fluff. She despised her tail being handled.

"I didn't know I had a dog." Roshi said ignorantly before he gave a throaty chuckle. "Lemme go find the Beggin' Strips!"

"I think not." Loona barked, rising up on her hind legs and giving the geezer a smack and nearly sending him crashing into Millie.

Blitzo jaunted out of the closet. "Hahaha-ha! The geezer really is off his rocker!"

"Can we get this over with?" Moxxie asked, standing up and throwing away the clock that was seated on his head, thoroughly humiliated.

"Yeah. Go ahead and do your thing, Mills."

The imp gladly obliged, raising her trident overhead, and prepared to jab it directly into Roshi's belly.

Before she could bring it down, the elder swept her legs out from under her, and leapt away from them, retrieving his walking stick and twirling it.

"Goddamned demons. They told me they were coming for me. But these last decades, I've been prepared. My master, Mutiato always said to me-'Roshi! Always remember. You don't take SHIT from demons, aliens or women!'" Roshi described, removing his orange top and revealing the wifebeater tank top underneath. "I've taken his words to heart. And now I've molded myself into the ultimate killing machine!"

Having heard enough of his rambling, Moxxie took aim with his gun, only for the old man to throw his cane at him, and send it flying across the floor.

"Eat sulfur!" Blitzo demanded, blasting away with a pair of handguns. Roshi smirked and cackled, shocking the head of I.M.P. by catching every bullet with one hand. The red and white skinned demon took a step back as Roshi began to approach.

Loona snarled, getting ready to pounce. The old man straightened his glasses before jumping through the window with the anthro hellhound giving chase.

"We can't let him escape!" Blitzo screamed, heading for the stairs.

Outside, the corpse they'd seen earlier had broken Roshi's and then Loona's fall. The two of them had their arms locked together, but she had the edge, biting at his throat.

Roshi planted his feet against her chest. "Get off. My. LAWN!" With a mighty kick, he sent her flying into the palm tree nearby, earning a groan from her.

Moxxie took another shot with his gun, only for Roshi to duck and do a flying leap, kicking him in the face.

Millie charged in with her weapon again, aiming to run it throughout his back. Roshi, sensing her energy, turned back, removing his shades.

"Begone, THOT!" He yelled, eyes glowing white before the she-imp was sent flying back into the sea.

"That's my WIFE you're talking about!" Moxxie growled, running up and aiming to throttle him, only for Roshi to grab him by the throat.

"You can't fuck with me. I WON THE WAR!" Roshi chucked planting him firmly into the ground headfirst. "THERE I was!" He began as Loona sank her fangs into his shoulder and making him seeth and grunt. "Back to back with JESUS!" The old man attested, slamming his fists into her snout. "Bible in my left hand. Machine gun on the right!" He added, cupping his hands at his side.

"Pretty sure... you're thinking of a guy named Jesús, buddy." Blitzo frowned, approaching slowly with a knife, unaware of what was coming.

"**Kameeeee…**" Roshi began. "**Hameeeee…**" At the sight of a blue light emanating from his hands, Blitzo dropped his knife, eyes widening.

Roshi thrusted his arms out, shooting a beam of energy with a roar of "**Haaa**!" The imp hit the dirt just in time, with the blast flying off into the distance.

The Kamehameha exploded harmlessly just as both Moxxie dug himself out of the ground, and Millie finished swimming back to shore. The lot of them saw the virtual mushroom cloud of water and stood silent for a minute before Blitzo turned to Roshi. "So you got tricks! Think that impresses us? I see stuff like that every day!"

"True." The old man said. "But I didn't put everything I have into that one."

"He...what?"

With a rough grunt, Roshi focused his inner energy and his muscles expanded to sizes that could make a bodybuilder blush.

Blitzo's jaw hung open at the display before Moxxie spoke up, turning to him. "I hate you."

0

Not much later, the group of Imps and the hellhound led themselves back to Imp City in Hell, limping and riddled with bruises. Blitzo's horns were snapped off, and he was covered in his own blood and ruined clothing.

Moxxie and Millie were both practically naked, with one of Millie's horns broken and jabbed into Moxxie's eye. Moxxie also had part his tongue stretched out. Loona had the worst of it, all her fur being singed off, leaving only her underwear, hair, and the pentagram burned onto her chest intact.

"I'll want the rest of the week off after this." Moxxie scowled with a lisp.

"Fair...enough." Blitzo added. "Loona, when we get restored, make sure Pheroma gets half her money back. We're keeping the rest for damages and personal trauma."

Loona merely groaned to herself as she limped ahead of them. When they were injured, ordinarily they would just "kill" each other. When they were killed in hell, unless by the Exterminators, they were just "respawned" for lack of better phrasing, returning alive in a fresh body l in much the same way as every garden-variety sinner when they died, falling from above.

"This is going to be a nightmare…" Blitzo grumbled to himself as they returned to their office. "But there is NO WAY I'm going back up there. Not to see THAT...mortal FREAK again."

The office phone started ringing suspiciously. "Oh shit. Hey Loony?" He turned to see the others leaving the lobby, leaving him all alone to deal with an angry client.

"Pheroma!" The imp answered. "Great to be hearing from ya!"

**Hope you enjoyed the read. Would anybody be interested in a part 2?^^ **


	2. Los Santos Night

**Sorry this took so long, everybody. I originally planned this as a One Shot, but after seeing all the faves, follows, and reviews, I figured I might ought to make another chapter. Sorry to make you all wait longer than I've waited for Cell vs Rolf episode 2. Lol. **

After their tumultuous defeat at the hands of Master Roshi, the Immediate Murder Professionals sat in the living world in a darkened apartment. The apartment's sole resident was tied up in his boxers, with Loona keeping watch. The young blond man glanced up at the Hellhound, who stared down at him, hateful red-eyes locked with his.

She gave him a snarl just for shits and giggles, causing him to tumble back and start flailing about.

Moxxie sighed, wiping his face. "Loona, he's gonna give us away. Do something about him."

"Okay then.~" The wolf-like anthro picked the restrained human up, and prepared to bite his throat out. He squirmed and screamed into the gag in his mouth until the white-haired imp protested.

"Not like that!" Moxxie was the squeamish one of the organization, not wanting to spill unnecessary blood, in spite of being a demon.

"Fair enough." Loona stared into his eyes, and they took on a dark blue glow. The man's head began to get heavy, and soon, he drifted off into a deep slumber.

"Thank you."

"You owe me lunch." She yawned. "And he looked so tasty too."

"I say we should all go for lunch." Millie added.

"We can eat when we have this job done." Blitzo said in front of a board with notes stuck all over it. "So...here is everything we know about this Roshi freak. Pay attention, because I'm not repeating myself.

"As we've noticed, he has a degree of superhuman strength, and can shoot destructive beams from his hands. As I've already gone over, he once destroyed the moon with that attack."

"Then what's that out there?" Loona asked, pulling back the window's blinds to display what was sure enough, Earth's moon.

"I don't know, Loonie, this lore is hard enough to keep up with. Once it gets past the Buu Saga it gets so confusing on all fronts." Blitzo continued, breaking the fourth wall by referencing continuity. The others showed visible confusion, but decided to drop it. "Furthermore, we know he is usually hiding the larger degree of his power. He's also adept at turning anything around him into a weapon. Now let's go over his weaknesses."

"So far, the only weakness he seems to have is that he's old." Moxxie spoke up. "And that doesn't seem to hinder him any."

"Ughh...Thank you, Moxxie, that's the point I was just about to make. But he has one more weakness we've yet to discuss. His perversion."

"Yeah, for a guy that hates hookers, he seems to have a taste for porn." Millie added with a tinge of disgust.

"And he's been known to frequent a certain strip club in this town." Blitzo said. "So the plan is to go undercover and whack him when he's vulnerable.

"You got that Loona?"

Millie and Moxxie turned to the hellhound, who scowled. "Do I have to?" She groaned.

"Yes. As Imps, we can't possess anybody. But you're a hellhound. You can turn into almost anything you want to on Earth."

Loona sighed before she walked out of the room. In a flash of red light, and demonic noises, she walked back into the room, now in the form of a voluptuous young woman wearing a red bikini, heels and stockings, with blond hair.

"Great. You look just like one of the dancers. You'll have to sneak in from the back and incapacitate the real one, but then we should be golden." Blitzo declared.

"So what's the game here? We're weaponizing syphilis?" Moxxie asked before both Blitzo and Loona whacked him in the head.

"Oww!" Moxxie said as Millie put her hands to her hips and shot the disguised hellhound a glare.

"I'll text you the signal." Loona said before she closed the door. Once outside, she hailed a passing cab, ignoring the crowd of men leering at her.

"Where you headed?" The driver, a well dressed fellow asked as she took a seat and closed the door.

"Vanilla Unicorn. Be quick. I'm late for my shift." Loona replied, gazing out the window.

"I'll bet you are."

Within about fifteen minutes of driving, the cabbie dropped her off outside the fancy-looking gentleman's club. There weren't many vehicles around, but she hoped Roshi was there. She didn't care to pose as a stripper for long.

Loona marched around the building to enter through the back way through the employee entrance. She carefully made sure to lie low in case the girl she was impersonating was there. She didn't want to risk a confrontation. The hellhound rounded the corner into a sort of locker room, and there she was.

The hellhound eyeballed her up and down, as the human woman sat down in the makeup chair, applying some briskly. Loona smirked and silently slunk in behind her, closing the door as she did.

"'Sup, bitch?~" She asked in a brash tone of voice. Cheetah raised her head to look at whoever was behind her in the mirror. Not believing the reflection she raised her head and saw what may have been herself looming over her.

She bolted up from her chair, and whipped around. "Wh-who the fuck are you!?"

"Don't recognize yourself? Though I'll say, I definitely wear it better."

"What!?" Cheetah blurted out, before glancing at the door. Loona snarled, her hellhound maw almost stretching out of her magical disguise. The stripper got a glimpse of her blood red eyes and fangs, and fell, back and rear hitting the wall.

"S-stay away from me!"

"Be quiet!" Loona growled, grabbing her by the throat and literally throwing her into the far wall, her body hitting the file cabinets, instantly staining them with blood on impact. Loona immediately drew back. "Oh shit!"

The disguised hellhound peeked out into the hallway, and looked around for any that might have heard. Thankfully the halls were empty. Loona sighed before closing the door and dragging Cheetah outside from behind.

Blitzo saw her emerge from the rear exit. "There she is. Wait, what the fuck is she doing!? A body's gonna blow our cover!" The Imp turned and jabbed a claw into Moxxie's forhead. "I'd expect that from a dipshit like you, but not my Loonie!"

"Hey! Don't go attacking me because the dog dropped the ball!" Moxxie added as Loona inelegantly tossed Cheetah's body behind the dumpster. "Look, she's hiding it."

"Let's hope she can still do her part." Millie said.

Loona reentered the club, and onto the floor, sipping on a strong drink as she did. She glanced back and forth to try and look for Roshi, until she felt a hand on her thigh.

"Where's the fire, sweet thang!?~" one of the drunk male patrons asked, giving a drunken, near toothless grin. She gave him a furious glance, and her eyes glowed a bone chilling blue. The older man gasped in agony as he felt his very soul flow out of his body and into the next world.

Loona huffed as his catatonic husk of a body collapsed, his friends thinking he'd just passed out. '_If that crazed geezer ever took his shades off, I could just do that to him...maybe if I get a minute when I'm distracting him_.'

Finally, she spotted her prey; Roshi was sitting next to the club's owner, a somewhat overweight man with a receeding hairline, poor hygeine, and multiple tattoos, including one around his neck reading "cut here," and wearing a filthy white t-shirt and jeans.

"So then I says to 'em: Well if she's fuckin' nineteen! She's legal!" Roshi laughed loudly as he toasted drinks with the owner.

"Great story Rosh'! I saw the interview with the president last week. You are one crazy son of a bitch!"

"Well, Trevor, you know how it is, sanity and sobriety are over-rated-" Roshi was interrupted by who they assumed to be Cheetah.

Loona hid her blush as Roshi looked her over. "Cou-could I interest you in a private dance, mister?"

"Well don't mind if I do!" Roshi gleefully accepted, slamming the money for his drink on the table, but Trevor raised his hand.

"Don't worry. It's on the house, Roshi. Just take it easy on this one, she's a personal favorite."

"I'll bet. Let's get this show on the road, little missy. I got a poker game in about fifteen minutes."

"Great!" Loona smiled through her teeth to hide her disdain. She turned around to lead Roshi away. Trevor stole a look at her behind, and grinned.

Until he saw the big, floofy, grey-furred wolf tail wagging behind her. His eyes widened as he looked at his hands in surprise.

"I gotta quit mixing speed with alcohol…"

Loona hummed a bit as she sat Roshi down in the booth. "How about we take those glasses off?~" She asked.

Roshi immediately frowned. "The shades stay on."

"Aww, come on!~" The disguised hellhound fluffed her bosom. "Don't you want a better look?" She reached for the frame of his sunglasses, but he grabbed her hand.

"The glasses. Stay. On." He said with more force. Loona grimaced at the strength of his grip.

"R-right. They can stay on…" Loona began as she started gyrating her hips for him.

"How about you lose the top, sweet cheeks?" Roshi asked.

"Uhh...can we not? I'm new and I'm not exactly comfortable with that."

"Fair enough. You'll open up in time." Roshi said, giving her butt a slap. Loona jerked upright, gasping and rubbing her ass cheek, snarling at him out of his view.

"How about I bring you another drink, Mr. Shades?"

"By all means! I could use a little extra buzz."

Loona walked out of the booth, aching to rip Roshi apart. She grabbed her phone and started tapping on the screen to message Blitzo.

Blitzo got the message outside. "She's in. Let's go lick this mean mother!"

"And how!" Millie added, trailing after him, spear in hand.

"Isn't that one of the Exterminator's?" Her boss asked.

"It's a wonder what you can find after the purge!" Millie giggled. "Moxx, you coming?"

"Always!" Moxxie added, flamethrower in hand.

Inside, Loona poured the drink, mixing in powder from a pair of tablets. "This oughta have him out cold in seconds."

"What's the hold up? I'm getting DOUBLE thirsty in here!" Roshi called from the booth.

"Umm...coming!" Loona frantically mixed it together before coming in to give him the drink. Roshi accepted it and downed the whole glass.

"Hmm...good stuff-" was all the elderly martial arts master could choke out before he fell unconscious in his seat. The hellhound smirked as she dispensed her Cheetah disguise, her ordinary clothes practically painting themselves over the red bikini.

The Imps burst into the booth. "Excellent work, sweetie." Blitzo said, raising a chainsaw. "So, who wants first dips?"

"He hurt Millie, so I say let me burn him!" Moxxie scowled, and gestured with his flamethrower.

"And he hurt my precious Moxxie too!" Millie added.

"Hey, this old bastard slapped me on the ass and made me walk all the way back to Imp City in my fucking UNDERWEAR! **I'm taking the first bite!**" Loona growled animalistically, every tooth in her maw showing as she foamed at the mouth.

The Imps stared up in surprise, Blitzo setting his chainsaw down. "Have at it…" He whispered, masking terror.

Loona prepared to pounce, and did so, only for Roshi's hand to autonomously jerk up and grab her throat. "Aach-!"

"Loona!" Millie gasped. She readied the spear in her hand and threw it. Roshi dodged it, but the speed he displayed made it seem like he didn't even move, however, his glasses fell off his face.

His angry eyes, which turned a piercing silver, glared at Millie, as he threw Loona at her. The two crashed through the booth, with Millie grunting in shock.

"Did you really think you can get the drop on me like that with all the shit going through my system?" Roshi taunted.

Furious, Blitzo and Moxxie readied their weapons with the former revving his chainsaw.

"I'm gonna rip you a COSMOS of new ones!" Blitzo swung his saw, with Roshi twisting to the side.

The imp repeatedly swung his weapon, but Roshi continuously dodged with inhuman reflexes. Blitzo quickly wore out, leading to Roshi effortlessly kicking him through the wall. Moxxie lit him up with his flamethrower, dousing Roshi in flames, but the bald human merely folded his arms.

"Thanks, sonny. Needed a sun tan." He flicked his arm forward, using a weakened one-handed Kamehameha to blow him back. Roshi saw fit to jump through the ceiling for an escape with his enhanced muscles, but he was far from fleeing.

Millie slithered up to the roof, having discarded the spear for her favorite knife, followed by Loona and Blitzo.

"Ohh ho ho ho. We're not finished yet! When a client wants a stiff, I.M.P. delivers, motherfucker!" Blitzo cursed.

"They'll never find your body, Satan."

Roshi cracked his neck.

The three demons charged, clawing, swiping and stabbing at him, with Roshi dodging, ducking and side-stepping until he was at the edge of the roof.

Mille jumped and twirled, with Loona grabbing her feet and swinging her at Roshi, with the Imp lashing at him with the knife. Roshi did a deft somersault over all three of them.

The old man put his hands together. The Imps braced themselves for whatever was coming, expecting another of those big blue beams, but instead, his body crackled with electricity. Roshi threw his palms straight out. "Thunder Shock Surprise!"

In an instant, the two Imps were blasted with pure electricity. Blitzo and Millie collapsed as they were electrocuted, stammering mechanically as they fell to their hands and knees.

Loona on the other hand managed to dodge, and tried to sweep kick his legs, only for him to jump and stomp on her foot and knee. "Aaaaghh!" The anthropomorphic canine howled in pain before Roshi grabbed hold of her muzzle in one hand.

"For the record. I knew you were the dog the whole time. Though I can say, I do admire your dancing skills!"

"Eat a burning dick!" Loona's eyes glowed ice blue again, but almost as if it were a ranged beam attack, he threw himself off, and backwards jumped to the nearest other roof. Just by this time, Moxxie shambled out of the club.

"Fire in the hole!" He pulled the pin from a grenade, and hurled it for Roshi, but the elder leaned back, and twirled, kicking it back to him. The white haired Imp narrowly managed to jump out of the way before it exploded.

Moxxie stood up only to be met with Roshi.

"Umm...would it help my case if I said that I really didn't want to be here tonight?" He asked, smiling in a terrified manner, his spiky teeth showing.

"No." Roshi said bluntly as he grabbed him by the collar of his conductor's uniform and hefted him with one arm, using his free one to mercilessly punch him in the face.

0

In another nearby apartment building, Kermit passed by the window, whistling an N-Sync song as he went to sit back down at the card table, but stopped along the way.

He looked into the alley to see the old man repeatedly punching Moxxie repeatedly and shouting various obscenities.

"What the fuck? Cell, why am I seeing Roshi beating the shit out of a tiny devil?" The muppet frog asked his android friend, who was seated around the table with Broly, Goku Black, Shallot, and Frieza.

"I've learned not to ask those kinds of questions, Kermit." Cell replied flatly. "Fuck it. We're starting without him. Who's got the deck!?"

"Ohhhh-ho-ho!~" Zarbon moaned as he popped up from under the table. "Right here, Cell."

"-of cards...Zarbon."

"I know." The green-skinned alien said as he placed the deck of poker cards on the table. "Not EVERYTHING about me is sexual."

"Thank you, Zarbon." Cell added as he was interrupted by Roshi's deranged laughter outside.

0

The turtle hermit dropped a bloodstained Moxxie onto the ground, his face swollen, and most of the teeth in his mouth broken.

"You never stood a chance." Roshi admonished. "But I suppose I don't NEED to kill you."

"Moxxieeeee!" Millie cried out, leaning against the rear wall. She picked up a nearby crowbar. "How dare you...how dare you hurt my sweet Moxxie!" The demoness charged, and slammed Roshi in the side of the head, so hard that his head actually turned, but not enough to break his neck.

"Mafuba it is!" Roshi declared.

"Ma...fu what now?" The Southern-accented Millie asked, raising an eyebrow, before Roshi waved his arms, and a green vortex of energy swirled around her. Millie cringed, unable to move a muscle. "Aaahh! M-m-Moxxie! I...I love you!"

"Millie-!?" The white-haired Imp raised his head as little as he was able before Millie was seemingly shrunk down, and turned half-fluid as she was literally sucked into a small flask with some kind of Japanese characters written on it.

Roshi plugged the flask up and lifted it. "This'll make for a good prize. Hahhah!"

"H-hey! That's my WIFE, you pervert...b-bastard! Let her go!" Moxxie struggled to get at least to his knees, but he collapsed.

"She must have low standards then." Roshi pocketed the flask with Millie inside. "Don't worry. I won't let anything _happen_ to her."

Blitzo and Loona(her hair in an afro, and her fur fuzzed up from the electricity of his last attack having charged his arms) stood in the back parking lot a distance away. The head Imp produced a glock. "Let my employee go, you crazy ass old man!"

"Blitz, didn't we try actual guns on him last time?" The hellhound panted.

"I heard guns got a buff in this universe."

"That doesn't make any sens-" Loona continued until Blitzo fired a round at Roshi.

Roshi dodged. "Goddamn it. I've had enough of this." He stomped up to Blitzo, muscles expanding to his One-Hundred Percent form. Every time Blitzo would shoot at him, Roshi would inch to the side to just barely avoid the bullet.

"W...what...are you!?" The demon gasped, dropping the gun and backing up against the wall.

"I'm Muten-motherfuckin' Roshi, bitch." The muscular elder donned his sunglasses again, before drawing a fist back, and slamming it into and literally THROUGH Blitzo's stomach!

"B-blaaargh!" Blitzo vomited blood all over Roshi's arm and torso.

"Now lay there and die, unholy thot." Roshi demanded, turning back to Loona, she whined like an actual dog and recoiled, trembling. "Now you go back to Hell and tell whatever gut spewing punk that hired you to waste me that I'm coming for him next if you show yourselves again! We clear?"

"C...Crystal!" The hellhound gasped.

"Good." Roshi walked off, sunlight glistening darkly against his ripped physique.

As soon as the coast was clear, Loona popped back into reality and looked down to her adoptive father.

"B-Blitz!" She wailed, looming over his fatally-wounded body. He coughed up another puddle of blood as she examined the massive hole in his abdomen.

"W...well aren't I a fucking mess?" Blitzo groaned.

"D...don't talk, Blitz...please. Save your strength until I can get Stolas' tome and open the return portal!" Tears rolled down her muzzle.

"T...there's...HACK!...not enough time…" Blitzo gagged. "Listen to me, sweetie. Grab Moxx. Go back down home...don't come back to the living world. At ALL. I don't want you ending up like this…"

"But...but-!" Loona interrupted, but he put a finger to her lips.

"No buts. I mean it." Blitzo said, loosing strength fast. "And...don't tell Stolas...that I died...from…*hack!* a gaper."

Loona smiled painfully. "You asshole...making a joke at a time like this…"

"Who else?" The imp chuckled weakly.

The two shared a long quiet stare as Loona remembered their past together.

When he first brought her home as a pup. Giving her the name Loona after the moon. The chew toys he bought for her that she promptly destroyed in a rage. All the bonding they'd done since then, even putting her through hellhound school.

"I...I love you...Dad." Loona said quietly as she shut Blitzo's eyes, with him having breathed his last.

"B...Blitz and Millie…" Moxxie managed to sit up. "Why...why did they both have to be...taken from us!?"

He slammed his fist into the asphalt. "Why!? Goddammit! We went through worse! That crazy redneck family was worse than this...this freak! And we made it through that! How...How could this happen!"

"H-hey! Millie is not dead!" Loona grabbed his head and shook him. "We...we're going to save her! We have too! We owe it to-!"

"B...but Loona...he's...he's just too powerful!" Moxxie sobbed. "H...how can we beat him when he's already killed Blitz!?"

"W...we can still do it...we just need to make...one hell of a plan...maybe pull some strings…"

"That won't be necessary." A voice called. Loona dropped Moxxie and immediately went on the defensive, rising to full height, puffing her chest out, and baring her fangs and claws.

"Who's there!?"

A funny zipping sound caught her attention as a couple descended before them. The first was a human-like woman with pointed ears, pale blue skin, with gold bauble earrings, and carrying a staff. She had beautiful, long, snow white hair, soft purple eyes, and carried a staff. Her outfit was a revealing, skin tight, black-and-red bodysuit with a skirt-like piece around her waist. Her outfit exposed the bottom of her breasts.

At her side was a tall, muscular, male humanoid with messy white hair, and darker blue skin, with sharper red eyes, and pointed ears. He wore a strange red uniform, with white torso armor.

"Wh...who are you?" Loona asked.

The woman tapped her staff against the ground. "I'm just a demon itching to help another out. I saw that bald geezer kill your…"father" there...so I'm willing to help you out...if you do something for us."

"Wh...what do you want?" Moxxie asked, intimidated by the bruiser behind her. He cast a glance at him, but looked back to Loona. His gaze was cold, and distant, but uninterested in either of them.

"First, let's fix you up. You miserable little cretin." The busty woman began, waving her staff weapon over Moxxie.

"Hey!" The white-haired Imp frowned, offended, but he sighed and looked down at his hands as his injuries were quickly healed away into nothing. "What...are you?"

"Someone with dangerous connections that you don't want to cross." The demoness replied, stroking his cheek. She smirked. "But you can call me...Towa.

"I'll let you in on a secret: there's a way you can bring your friend back to life."

"R-really!?" Loona asked, before snarling and grabbing Towa. "Tell me! TELL ME!"

"Easy there, pooch. I was getting to that." The bruiser behind Towa frowned and started glowing dark red, making Loona back off. Towa waved her staff again, and a small device appeared in the hellhound's paws. "That's what's known as a Dragon Radar. In this world there are seven magical objects called Dragon Balls. When you get them all, you can make a wish. Find them, and gather them together. Then I'll tell you what you need to know. Mira? Come." Mira took her arm. "But I expect you to follow through on this. And I demand results." The two vanished in a brief pillar of light.

Loona examined the green-screened device, which resembled a pocket watch. "Come on, Moxx. We got work to do. But first, let's open up the portal. Don't wanna leave Blitz...my dad out for the mortals to find."

"Right...just...gimme a minute." Moxxie looked in the direction Roshi headed, scowling in rage and loss.

"Hey…" Loona put a hand on his thigh. Moxxie turned to her, eyes widened. "It'll be okay. We'll get her back."

Moxxie sniffled. The Hellhound had always made snide comments, and insulted him. While it had always hurt him, he felt calmed by her words of friendship.

"Thanks, Loona." Moxxie said as they hefted Blitzo's corpse over their arms, and headed back toward the apartment they'd highjacked, where the grimoire lied.

0

**Blitzo has been slain. Millie has been stolen from her precious Moxxie. Loona is out for blood! But can the remaining members of I.M.P. trust Towa and Mira?! Will they be able to finish the job and kill Master Roshi? Next time: Cell vs I.M.P.! **

**I hope you guys aren't mad with me making Roshi the villain. Then again, I think this fits the Devilartemis universe version of the character. **

**I kind of buffed Loona because in folklore, Hellhounds can kill just by looking at someone. Also, the whole "guns got a buff" moment is derived from Devilartemis comedically using more guns in his animations, and having them hurt/kill things they shouldn't be able to.**

**Until next time, don't be shy to rate and review. **


End file.
